My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
They must have gotten it to go.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.