Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
my first day as a raccoon
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The dark side of Canada