PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
More like Kate Missington.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
#Caturday
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.