women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
6: are snakes just neck?
Life cycle of cat
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.