Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?