*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
You Might Also Like
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
You’re the water to my grease fire.