I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
life finds a way
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.