The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
buying dead houseplants to save time
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony