Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*seductively eats two tums*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*