Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”