Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
i wish i could marry a nap
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat