Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
You Might Also Like
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The Sun
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.