The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.