[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.