Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.