I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over