Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You Might Also Like
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The first matador
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?