I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
You Might Also Like
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.