*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.