Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”