manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
You Might Also Like
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.