*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
never deleting this app.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
PER MY LAST EMAIL
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.