When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.