Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
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*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
don’t we all
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.