I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.