[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point