This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.