”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
You Might Also Like
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
How do you like your Corgi?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver