medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Become ungovernable.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies