Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.