*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.