Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday