What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.