What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You Might Also Like
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
thanksgiving should be called feaster
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???