[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
“just sayin” who asked you though?