Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…