My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun