[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately