Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
We like the way Dwight thinks
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.