is frankincense just very honest incense?
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Dammit Chief not again
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.