I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m awake but I object,
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”