Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
wow he looks just like him
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic