[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
You Might Also Like
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.