the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.