“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
How do you milk an almond?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Buying a well is money well spent.
spicy snake
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore