Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits