Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.