STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
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I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that鈥檚 illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I鈥檒l take it from here boys
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I鈥檓 going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry鈥檚 mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine鈥ound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I post 馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩 on Facebook everyday.
I don鈥檛 play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.