Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.