gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.